I Love This.

It's Time.

I have been so depressed, so unhappy, so not myself from my anxiety this last year. I've truly lost who I am and interest in everything I love. But I think it's time. It's time for me to be me again.

So with that in mind, I did something very, very huge for me today. To others it might be something small, insignificant, but for me, it's the first step.

I wrote. And on top of that, I updated.

I also put on pants, however that is a story for another day.

It is time to get on the upswing and finally start to go back to the sarcastic, silly, happy person that I've always been. I'm ready to be me again.

Please Excuse Me While I Try To Be An Adult

Growing up is weird. On one hand, it's a process that happens over time without much notice, because you are growing daily. But on the other, you look back and try to remember the exact moment when the coin flipped.

I'm nineteen - still a teenager but also an adult. And honestly, ever since I hit eighteen, I've never felt like an 'adult.' I don't have a job or go to school or do adult-like things. I don't live on my own, pay rent or do taxes. However, I think I've finally realized that these aren't the things that make you an adult. It's the personal growth that you have from when you start the transition from teenager to adult.

I don't depend on anyone else for my enjoyment or to take care of me. Sure, I reach out for help when I need it, which we all should do. But what I mean is that no one is responsible for me, except me. My mom still makes my doctors appointments and that's contradicting what I'm saying, but I'm growing. One day I'll make them myself. Or I'll die avoiding the doctor.

Some of the best memories I have are sitting down to dinner every night with a full meal and family. This was the usual up until about sixteen, and then I started to cook for myself because my parents were going through a separation and dinner wasn't exactly top priority in the household. I think this is one of the biggest turning points for my transition - I was relying on myself to feed myself, and planning meals ahead of time just for one. Sitting down on the couch to eat lasagna on my lap seems lonely and sad, but it was actually a way for me to grow and learn to take care of myself.

One of the biggest things I've noticed about growing up is that people actually become human to me. It sounds strange, so let me explain. When I was young, I looked at my parents, teachers, doctors, police officers all like they were saints, per-say. I looked at them like they knew all the answers to every question and lived perfect, normal lives. But as I got older, I realized that they're actually people just like me. They have problems, ambitions, hopes, dreams and fears. They no longer were these magical people I had come to believe they were. And actually, thinking about that still makes me sad. It's weird how we learn as we grow. And we never stop either of those things.

Depression Sucks More Than You Think

I wanted to be completely honest on this blog, for my own sake, to help me heal and get better. So that's exactly what I'm going to do.

After having some of the best days I've had since switching medications and being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I've had a bad day. It may not sound like much, a bad day after some good days. But to me, while going through this, it feels like such a setback.

Events in life can cause depression or moments where you feel down, but depression itself can vary from person to person. One of the hardest things I have to deal with from having this mental illness is that you can't always target what exactly has made you feel upset, unworthy, or plain unhappy. Being a hypochondriac, I often think that there are things wrong with me and in my life, even when things are fine. So when feeling down, my mind goes to things around me that aren't wrong and twist them around so that I feel this way because of these situations that are actually not happening.

It sounds crazy. And maybe I am a little crazy, but not having something to pinpoint and assess as the cause of feeling down is really hard for me. My mind goes into overdrive and immediately dissects the important parts of my life until I can mistake one careless word for a giant, unreal problem.

And to top everything off, I don't feel like me. I don't really know who me is because I've been this way for so long. It's like I'm living inside someone else's life. My thoughts, my feelings, even the way I see everything around me - they're all different and it's really scary. A broken arm you can see,  you can fix, and you can move on. But a mental illness isn't something you can simply cure or put back together. You can't see it, therefore a Hello Kitty band-aid is out of the question. The problem isn't on your body - it's in your head. It's you. Everything that makes you who you are is affected. That's why I feel so hopeless from these setbacks. Because I'm not who I am, and right now, I don't know who that person is.

I Have The Perfect Hamster

Is anything cuter than that? He's my perfect little fluff ball who I have to brush on a regular basis, who cleans his cage for me, and who has the best cuddles in the world. But despite all this, a few days ago, Milo surprised me in the best way ever.

I'm not a very forgetful person, so I don't leave my hamster out running wild or leave him starving. However, he has to parts of his cage that I can open. One is the top burrow compartment, where he sleeps and hides all his food, and below is the normal cage door, which I only open at night to hold him when he's finally awake. But the other day, after checking on him in his burrow, I opened the cage to check his water - and somehow managed to forget to close it.

Now my room is a giant mess at the moment. The floor is covered with clothes and nonsense, and I also have a bed that is a black hole of messiness underneath. So what does Milo do, when he wakes up and realizes that the world is in his paws? He conquers my room, comes out into the hall, and finds me in the living room. Then he sits at my feet until I stand up and notice him - and also have a mini heart attack.

He literally came to say, "hey Mom, you left the door open. Go close it!"

My hamster didn't even escape. He came to let me know what I did. Isn't that seriously amazing? I still can't believe it.

Milo got lots of cuddles, kisses and treats after that. I think he's pretty happy with himself.

I'm At a Crossroads

 This picture means more to me than you can imagine. I grew up watching The Simpsons since I was a baby that couldn't even crawl. It's a show that brings me nostalgia of my childhood and warm, fuzzy memories. But this episode specifically, when Lisa goes vegetarian - this one really got to me.

I've had a special connection with animals my entire life. If I could, I would be surrounded by animals at all times and rarely talk to other humans. Seriously, they are so much better than people. In grade eight I made the decision to go vegetarian and haven't intentionally eaten meat since. (we all make mistakes, sometimes you really don't know what you're being served)

Over the years I've learned more and more about the food industry, and it's not pretty. Now I'm not going to share the gory details with you as I'm not here to preach, but what I've learned really gets to me. Mother cows give birth to calves just to produce milk for us to drink. I love milk - it's one of the main reasons I haven't gone vegan. But recently I learned that most of the calves that are born are slaughtered within days, and I haven't drank/used it since.

It's been years since I've eaten meat, and I'll admit it's very hard and frustrating to live in a place with very few vegetarian options. Going out is always an ordeal and on top of that, fruit and vegetables are much more expensive than junk food and pop. There's been many times when I've been frustrated with myself for making my life harder than it was. It is so hard to have limited options. At family dinners, they don't always give you alternatives. If the only thing you can eat is asparagus and bread, then you do it. But it does suck.

However on the other hand, think of all the meat that goes to waste. Am I really making a difference by not eating it, even if it is just for myself? Or are those animals that were slaughtered for us to eat, were they thrown out without being used? I don't want to support animal cruelty and what goes on in the places that do it. And I don't want to continue on missing meat and the easy lifestyle it has to offer.

These thoughts have come up more and more recently, and I'm really not sure what I'm going to do. What are your thoughts on vegetarianism and the whole meat industry? Share with me as I could really use some insight.

xoxo Monst3rs

Life Changes in 2014

2014 was a huge year for me. A lot of changes, a lot of decisions, but overall, it was a good year. Time to reflect and make 2015 just as good!

The Bad Day Cure

Everyone has bad days where they can't seem to get out of their down mood. Being me, I have a lot of them on a regular basis so I've had to develop some cures to alter how I feel. Here's my favorite. 

Writers Helping Writers

If you know me from Wattpad, then you know Wattpad is filled with amateur writers. And I don't mean that in a negative way. I mean it as Wattpad is where a lot of young writers are just starting out or even trying to get better at writing. And as a website of writers and also readers, should we not be helping each other out? Not everyone is fantastic the moment they start writing. That's why we provide positive feedback with helpful ways to improve. Not negative comments that make the writer feel bad about themselves.

First of all, this isn't a rant. I've received many negative comments, even hate comments in the past. And after reading through the author who wrote the above comment and all the other ones she's written on my story, I actually find it hilarious. 

How are we supposed to improve if people are putting us down? Why do people leave such rude comments in the first place? Does it make themselves feel better? Do they want to put us down? I honestly have no idea.

As writers, we should stick together and help each other. We all have different struggles in our writing and different weaknesses. But that doesn't mean we should pick each other apart. Everyone has to start somewhere, and even if that somewhere doesn't feel very good at first, it does get better.

Am I the only one?

Every night I feel like I accomplished nothing and vow to not sleep in the next day, to write, to do homework, do things that need to get done. And then when tomorrow actually rolls around, I sleep, I sleep some more, I get up and watch The Vampire Diaries and then I end up being a couch potato all day in a ball of tired, winter blues.

Now don't get me wrong, I love being outside. I love the fresh air, nature, walking - everything. But with winter being so cold this year and dreary, I hardly ever go anywhere or do anything. I feel so lazy, so unaccomplished. I literally sit around and watch TV for hours on end or play video games instead of doing the things I love.

I seriously need spring to come and save me before I turn into couch potato mush.