Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Vegetarian Ravioli Lasanga

I love anything Italian. Pasta, cannelloni, pizza - anything with sauce and cheese. Oh, how I love my pasta sauce.

Since becoming vegetarian I've had to adapt to making food filling without the use of meat, and one of the little things I've learned is that making any type of Italian dish is easy. You can substitute meat for tofu, spinach, broccoli - whatever. But I'm a very simple person. So all you need for this recipe is a few things.

Monday, February 9, 2015

It's Time.

I have been so depressed, so unhappy, so not myself from my anxiety this last year. I've truly lost who I am and interest in everything I love. But I think it's time. It's time for me to be me again.

So with that in mind, I did something very, very huge for me today. To others it might be something small, insignificant, but for me, it's the first step.

I wrote. And on top of that, I updated.

I also put on pants, however that is a story for another day.

It is time to get on the upswing and finally start to go back to the sarcastic, silly, happy person that I've always been. I'm ready to be me again.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Book Review: Girl Online by Zoe Sugg

Penny has a secret.

Under the alias GirlOnline, she blogs about school dramas, boys, her mad, whirlwind family - and the panic attacks she's suffered from lately. When things go from bad to worse, her family whisks her away to New York, where she meets the gorgeous, guitar-strumming Noah. Suddenly Penny is falling in love - and capturing every moment of it on her blog.

But Noah has a secret too. One that threatens to ruin Penny's cover - and her closest friendship - forever.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Please Excuse Me While I Try To Be An Adult

Growing up is weird. On one hand, it's a process that happens over time without much notice, because you are growing daily. But on the other, you look back and try to remember the exact moment when the coin flipped.

I'm nineteen - still a teenager but also an adult. And honestly, ever since I hit eighteen, I've never felt like an 'adult.' I don't have a job or go to school or do adult-like things. I don't live on my own, pay rent or do taxes. However, I think I've finally realized that these aren't the things that make you an adult. It's the personal growth that you have from when you start the transition from teenager to adult.

I don't depend on anyone else for my enjoyment or to take care of me. Sure, I reach out for help when I need it, which we all should do. But what I mean is that no one is responsible for me, except me. My mom still makes my doctors appointments and that's contradicting what I'm saying, but I'm growing. One day I'll make them myself. Or I'll die avoiding the doctor.

Some of the best memories I have are sitting down to dinner every night with a full meal and family. This was the usual up until about sixteen, and then I started to cook for myself because my parents were going through a separation and dinner wasn't exactly top priority in the household. I think this is one of the biggest turning points for my transition - I was relying on myself to feed myself, and planning meals ahead of time just for one. Sitting down on the couch to eat lasagna on my lap seems lonely and sad, but it was actually a way for me to grow and learn to take care of myself.

One of the biggest things I've noticed about growing up is that people actually become human to me. It sounds strange, so let me explain. When I was young, I looked at my parents, teachers, doctors, police officers all like they were saints, per-say. I looked at them like they knew all the answers to every question and lived perfect, normal lives. But as I got older, I realized that they're actually people just like me. They have problems, ambitions, hopes, dreams and fears. They no longer were these magical people I had come to believe they were. And actually, thinking about that still makes me sad. It's weird how we learn as we grow. And we never stop either of those things.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Depression Sucks More Than You Think

I wanted to be completely honest on this blog, for my own sake, to help me heal and get better. So that's exactly what I'm going to do.

After having some of the best days I've had since switching medications and being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I've had a bad day. It may not sound like much, a bad day after some good days. But to me, while going through this, it feels like such a setback.

Events in life can cause depression or moments where you feel down, but depression itself can vary from person to person. One of the hardest things I have to deal with from having this mental illness is that you can't always target what exactly has made you feel upset, unworthy, or plain unhappy. Being a hypochondriac, I often think that there are things wrong with me and in my life, even when things are fine. So when feeling down, my mind goes to things around me that aren't wrong and twist them around so that I feel this way because of these situations that are actually not happening.

It sounds crazy. And maybe I am a little crazy, but not having something to pinpoint and assess as the cause of feeling down is really hard for me. My mind goes into overdrive and immediately dissects the important parts of my life until I can mistake one careless word for a giant, unreal problem.

And to top everything off, I don't feel like me. I don't really know who me is because I've been this way for so long. It's like I'm living inside someone else's life. My thoughts, my feelings, even the way I see everything around me - they're all different and it's really scary. A broken arm you can see,  you can fix, and you can move on. But a mental illness isn't something you can simply cure or put back together. You can't see it, therefore a Hello Kitty band-aid is out of the question. The problem isn't on your body - it's in your head. It's you. Everything that makes you who you are is affected. That's why I feel so hopeless from these setbacks. Because I'm not who I am, and right now, I don't know who that person is.

Monday, January 12, 2015

I Have The Perfect Hamster

Is anything cuter than that? He's my perfect little fluff ball who I have to brush on a regular basis, who cleans his cage for me, and who has the best cuddles in the world. But despite all this, a few days ago, Milo surprised me in the best way ever.

I'm not a very forgetful person, so I don't leave my hamster out running wild or leave him starving. However, he has to parts of his cage that I can open. One is the top burrow compartment, where he sleeps and hides all his food, and below is the normal cage door, which I only open at night to hold him when he's finally awake. But the other day, after checking on him in his burrow, I opened the cage to check his water - and somehow managed to forget to close it.

Now my room is a giant mess at the moment. The floor is covered with clothes and nonsense, and I also have a bed that is a black hole of messiness underneath. So what does Milo do, when he wakes up and realizes that the world is in his paws? He conquers my room, comes out into the hall, and finds me in the living room. Then he sits at my feet until I stand up and notice him - and also have a mini heart attack.

He literally came to say, "hey Mom, you left the door open. Go close it!"

My hamster didn't even escape. He came to let me know what I did. Isn't that seriously amazing? I still can't believe it.

Milo got lots of cuddles, kisses and treats after that. I think he's pretty happy with himself.