I wanted to be completely honest on this blog, for my own sake, to help me heal and get better. So that's exactly what I'm going to do.
After having some of the best days I've had since switching medications and being diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I've had a bad day. It may not sound like much, a bad day after some good days. But to me, while going through this, it feels like such a setback.
Events in life can cause depression or moments where you feel down, but depression itself can vary from person to person. One of the hardest things I have to deal with from having this mental illness is that you can't always target what exactly has made you feel upset, unworthy, or plain unhappy. Being a hypochondriac, I often think that there are things wrong with me and in my life, even when things are fine. So when feeling down, my mind goes to things around me that aren't wrong and twist them around so that I feel this way because of these situations that are actually not happening.
It sounds crazy. And maybe I am a little crazy, but not having something to pinpoint and assess as the cause of feeling down is really hard for me. My mind goes into overdrive and immediately dissects the important parts of my life until I can mistake one careless word for a giant, unreal problem.
And to top everything off, I don't feel like me. I don't really know who me is because I've been this way for so long. It's like I'm living inside someone else's life. My thoughts, my feelings, even the way I see everything around me - they're all different and it's really scary. A broken arm you can see, you can fix, and you can move on. But a mental illness isn't something you can simply cure or put back together. You can't see it, therefore a Hello Kitty band-aid is out of the question. The problem isn't on your body - it's in your head. It's you. Everything that makes you who you are is affected. That's why I feel so hopeless from these setbacks. Because I'm not who I am, and right now, I don't know who that person is.